ok, so supposedly i'm writing things over at my pitas weblong. but that was a while ago.
new year, new life, new me, new f*ing journal!!!! i am not the girl i was when i started this thing, there fore i'm moving it over to this address.

Vive La Revolution!

(please update friends list as needed)

i miss sean.



that's all.

Date:	2002-12-06 11:04
Subject:	Dec 6th, 2002 - 13 Years Later
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Under The Pink - Tori Amos

Genevieve Bergeron, 21, was a 2nd year scholarship student in civil engineering.
Helene Colgan, 23, was in her final year of mechanical engineering and planned to take her master's degree.
Nathalie Croteau, 23, was in her final year of mechanical engineering.
Barbara Daigneault, 22, was in her final year of mechanical engineering and held a teaching assistantship.
Anne-Marie Edward, 21, was a first year student in chemical engineering.
Maud Haviernick, 29, was a 2nd year student in engineering materials, a branch of metallurgy, and a graduate in environmental design.
Barbara Maria Klucznik, 31, was a 2nd year engineering student specializing in engineering materials.
Maryse Laganiere, 25, worked in the budget department of the Polytechnique.
Maryse Leclair, 23, was a 4th year student in engineering materials.
Anne-Marie Lemay, 27, was a 4th year student in mechanical engineering.
Sonia Pelletier, 28, was to graduate the next day in mechanical engineering. She was awarded a degree posthumously.
Michele Richard, 21, was a 2nd year student in engineering materials.
Annie St-Arneault, 23, was a mechanical engineering student.
Annie Turcotte, 21, was a first year student in engineering materials.

http://www.whiteribbon.com
http://www.dec6fund.ca/
Women Against Violence Against Women
Assaulted Women's Helpline
Canada's Treatment Programs for Men Who Abuse Their Partners
Canadian Women's Foundation
CANTERA - Popular Education and Communication Center
Centre for Research of Violence Against Women and Children
Dads and Daughters
Danish White Ribbon Campaign
Education Wife Assault
Emerge: Counselling and Education to Stop Domestic Violence
European Profeminist Men's Network
The Finnish WRC
Freedom from Fear: Campaign Against Domestic Violence
Mainely Men Against Violence and Sexism
Men Against Sexual Assault (MASA)
Men Can Stop Rape (formerly called Men's Rape Prevention Project)
Men for Change
Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE)
Men Stopping Rape, Inc.
Men Stopping Violence
Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) Strategies
Minnesota Centre Against Violence and Abuse
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS)
National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Centre
The Norwegian WRC
No To Violence
Rape 101: Resources and Education for Stopping Rape
Interactive Theatre.org: Using Drama to Educate on Sexual Assault
UNESCO
The Sarnia-Lambton branch of WRC
White Ribbon Campaign - Brazil
Women Can Do Anything
Woman Kind
XY: men, masculinities and gender politics
RAINN

take the taboo quiz.
and go to mewing.net. nothing is taboo there.

What's your brand of sexy?
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What box do you get put in?
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What kind of punk kid are you?
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What Aspect of Run Lola Run are You?
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Which 80's movie are you??
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On that noate I'll have a website again soon...
Check back for URL

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Serious? Me?


What's Your Personality Type?
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That's better! GogoGeekdom!


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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HeHe! I did used to tell people I could hear voices....

Which flock do you follow?
this quiz was made by alanna

I kind of feel like I should start to write again. Maybe, just maybe. I don't know if I can share these thoughts anymore.

Oh Vancouver is so exciting. Ok.....Vancvouer, is Vancouver. I can't get too excited for fear of sounding like a total hick that's been overwhelmed by a big city. But seriously, living in the city has given me energy again, that I was starting to loose (starting to loose it altogether really). Last night I met this guy that works at a used CD/Movie Store downtown, he is totally infatutable (yes, not a real word. but well.........). And he's in a band, so everyone should deffinatly go here. I think I may dye all my hair purple. Or just more and more of it purple as the weeks go on.

I know I died. But I've been reborn, I am now blonde (with purple streaks), a Vancouverite, over icky munipulative boys that have been mentioned way to often here. Happy.

My summer in a nutshell;

I started the summer with two jobs, no time and a sick feeling in my stomache everytime I saw a picture of Nick. He could still make me cry. Work at the art store (Hand Works, yo! it is the best!) was great, although could get boring after a few hours of no customers. That was when I acctually voulentarily got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the fucking floor! The restraunt was hectic, and I felt like I was living there half the time. 5 days a week from 11 to close and one day a week just at night. Plus I started helping the pastry chef out once and a while by biking my ass into the next town over and working the lunch rush at his cafe. Yes, I am crazy. Rich (by old standards), but fucking crazy. I worked, I drank, I worked, I biked. The was my summer in a nutshell.

Noteable happenings;

1)Breakaway weekend. Went to visit Jordan, Rick, Katie, Susan, etc at the bike shop on my break from the restraunt and met Sean. Later on (like 11:30 that night) after work we (being the waitresses, kitchen staff, etc) went to the so called beer garden in the middle of town and had a few. Met up with Jordan and Sean and we all sat around playing a silly game of telephone (and as scarey as it was, half the adults there couldn't figure out how the hell to play). Midnight the beer garden closed and instead of going home Jordan, Sean and I wandered down to the park and then up to the school and played on the little kids equiptment. Never laughed so fucking hard. They were tripping due to some earily consumption of LSD, and I convinced them to play on the teeter totters and hang upside down. Oh it was funny. Around 1am, in search of a dark place to chill, we headed to the grave yard behind my house and lay in the grass watching the stars. At around 2 (although we thought it was 3 cuz well Sean and I both can't read a fucking watch properly) Jordan decided to go and sleep (weenie!). Leaving me and Sean to wander around until about 7:30am. And yes I had to go to work that day.

2) The trip to Toronto. On the last day of July, Jana, Jordan, Sean and I drove to Toronto for the day. We went to the CNTower (Hey! Jordan's visiting from BC, dude's gotta go and do touristy stuff) and Queen Street (where Jana bought shampoo, and literaly came out of the store skipping and cheer after she did!) and Kensington Market. The trip pretty much let me and Sean get past any kind of weird awkwardness that there was between us after said night above. (Ok, by the end of the day we were walking around Toronto holding hands and I slept with my head in his lap the whole way back to Bloomfield. Awkwardness? What awkwardness?)

Once again on the road that I know
in my dreams
to the city that inspires me to
scribble jibberish on paper bags in
jolting subway cars.

I am going to my muse.
I am leaving my dear.

This is the last time I will
travel this road knowing
I will return again.

3) The move to Vancouver..........................
-flying to Vancouver is really long........
-flying over Northern Ontario is the longest.......
The Praries look like a gigantic brown, tan and green patchwork quilt.
The Rockies were the best.
The Vancouver airport is a big fucking un-organized mess.

Since I've been here a few important things have happend as well.

1)I got to meet Megan! She came into the city last night and we wandered around aimlessly

2)Nick has for some reason decided it would be fun to contact me. Our correnspondence thus far:

"41 Date: 2001-08-21 01:40:01
nick (email address censored/ no homepage) wrote:

I hope you are having a good summer. When are you off to Vancouver. Is that still in the plans? I am back in Bermuda for about 2 more weeks and then off to sea on a cable ship which should be fun at least if its in the Carribean. Not too much else going on in my life. Went to Elbow beach the other day with Bob and Graham and remembered when we were down thee drinking towards the end of the summer. Tell me what's going on with you. </i>(entry in my guestbook)

Ok um, Hi......I just browsed through my guestbook for the first time in ages and there's this message from you.....so colour me surprised or something like that.Actually this is the first time I've been online in ages.

I worked all summer at an art store (Hand Works....where we were all known as "Love Slaves" ah the jokes were endless....) and at a french restraunt were the over bearing Austrain chef and pretentious customers caused us all ("us" being the waitresses) to go and drink every night after work until like 4am.So that's pretty much what I've been up to. How about you? How did school,
etc, go in England? Are you going back again?

Ah the Elbow Beach drinking night. God isn't it great to be able to go to a public beach and hang out at night? I found out the hard way that in Ontario you're not allowed to go the public beaches after 10pm at night after being
caught there at 2am and being handed a $130 ticket for tresspassing about 4 weeks ago while haning out there with Sean trying to sober the hell up before going home. That's probably the only thing I miss about Bermuda.

Other than that, I'm now in Vancouver. I flew out here yesterday morning with all my stuff and am about to go furniture shop after spending a night
on an air matress. Must find a bed. What can I say, a lot's changed since you knew me.

So what's going on with you?

*Erin (my emailed response)

"Hey there new Vancouverite. Remember Jermaine from last year, he was wondering if you would like to e-mail him. He is very much into e-mail correspondence and wants to say hi so his e-mail address is (censored email)School is not done yet which is a bastard as I am getting back into the Bermuda swing of things. You are seriously going to enjoy yourself over there. Good luck.
Nick" (his respones...slightly bizarre)

And I wrote this back this morning:
Vancouver is such a beautiful place at night. The city lights are wonderful. Today I'm going to "Les Miserable" with.

Becareful getting back into the Bermuda swing. It's not really the greatest place to be.
Erin"

-----------------------------------

Fuck You (A year later)

Fuck you, sweetie.....
so how many people have you fucked with
this year?
There's been one in my life
and god did he make me
cry, damn baby, that something
you couldn't do.
So Fuck You! With all the
passion I can possibly have left
for you...not much, I guess
self-pity doesn't agree with
me this year.
And Fuck You for making me
think of you.
And Fuck You for making me
wonder about you!
And Fuck You for being you!

And Fuck You, sweetie, for know just when I was
starting to break free
from you.

I'm working full time at a restraunt now, and part time at the art store. I hate it because I'm too busy to do anything else except work and sleep, but in a way it's a good thing because I'm too busy or tired to evenbegin to think about the approaching date. Not my birthday, that I can handle. I have to work an 11 hour shift on my birthday, but two day prior to that. The 7th.....I need to keep my head occupied that day, so bring on the work!

I want to overhaul my websites though, and I will as soon as I have a moment to breath.

Ok, ok I know I've been neglecting you lately. I'm sorry. Won't happen again, no matter how many times I've said it before, I mean it this time. I've been very busy with school finals, and working two jobs and speaking of working (like my little segway there? hehehe).....

This Saturday night was the Grand Opening of the art store I work at! It was such a blast, and these are the little things that stick out in my mind;

1) A boss that lets you drink beer on the job (only at parties) rocks!!!

2)Dancing around in your bear feet to Jimi Hendrix is cute, and you will not be embrassed when someone acutally walks in on you doing so!

3)Mud wrestling should be made and Olympic sport!

4)Pig's ears are really gross tasting (Nick atre it not me....ew....I wouldn't touch it)

5)Bartender's don't really appriciate the kind gesture of bringing them a roasted pigs head at 1am (we did have fun though!)

6) Guy's that notcie when you change your hair, even though you barely know them/have only met them a few times and only see very briefly every few days..., are incredibly cute! (hi jordan!)

7)So many more bizzarr and wonderful things.......more later. Sleep now!

Date:	2001-06-11 18:16
Subject:	summer's almost here.
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Letting the Cables Sleep

I found my journal from last summer about five minutes ago, it was under my bed covered in a family of dust bunnies and barely visable because it was so far in the back corner. I think I purposly put it their last September, so that I wouldn't have to see it and re-read everything that I had written. I opened it, and the first entry is as follows;

July 18th, 2000

It's getting bad, I already starting to dream about him. It's only been eleven days and 2 nightrs (you do the math on that one), less if you take out the five days I thought I'd never see him again. I think something inside me must be broken, because I keep letting myself get wrapped up with the wrong guys, even when I know that they're wrong. There was the one who made a play on my best friend, I decided to sleep with him two weeks later. The emotionally unavailable boy, three and a half months with him and of course the unavoidalbe drunken pick-up that I kept around for almost two months before having a breakdown. More recently, there was the 23 year old one night (day?) stand and the long distance guy I never had to see. But I have to admit that I've really out-done myself this time. I know that dating a 25 year old is a bad idea, and the fact that he's a friend of my cousins make it even worse. But what makes this the worst possible situation I've gotten into, even by my history, is that he's been married. Ok, he still technically is married, seperated, and his estranged wife is know where t be found, but still.
Still what? I don't know what to even think of myself anymore. Why is it that I continually, willing, involove myself like this? Even thriving on the thought of the worst possible relationships that either damage me, or involve no emotion at all, which in the end damages me as well. Why am I on such a self-destructive path? And if I know it's so destructive, why am I trying to stay on it as long as possible? Why am I taking every detour I can find through the woods, on my way to the end of the race?
I cannot let myself get involved with a 25 year old, soon the be divorcee, but I think it's already too late. I think I'm already there.

Oh god, summer's almost here again. If this is how I think in the summer, I don't want it to come.

[whatever you say it's alright whatever you do it's all good whatever you say it's alright SILENCE is no the way we need ot talk about it]

Date:	2001-05-29 19:35
Subject:	ouchie!
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore
Music:	counting crows

My finger hurts dammit! I was sewing on Sunday night and I some how managed to sew threw my finger, like right through the nail and out the other side. But shock is a wonderful thing, as my first reaction was "Oh FUCK!!!!", and then I calmy walked downstairs (with the needle sticking through my finger still) and looked at my mother and said "I think I broke the sewing machine", and then I prompltly passed out. Fun, fun fun!

Hey
If we can't find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we don't need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man

Hey
More than angry words I hate this silence
It's getting so loud
Well I want to scream
But bitterness has silenced these emotions
It's getting hard to breathe
So tell me isn't happiness
Worth more than a gold diamond ring?
I'm willing to do anything
To calm the storm in my heart
I've never been the praying kind
But lately I've been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man

Do you remember not long ago?
When we used to live for the nighttime
Cherish each moment
Now we don't live we exist
We just run through our lives
So alone
That's why you've got to hold me

Hey
If we can't find a way out of these problems
Then maybe we don't need this
Standing face to face
Enemies at war we build defenses
And secret hiding places

I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's alright
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man

I'm feeling so weird tonight. I started the evening with so much energy and now within about 15 minutes I feel like it's all been sucked right out of me and thrown to the otherside of the world.
and i feel like crying
I called Nick, and I got some very weird vibes. I mean I know I shouldn't except anything, cuz we're not dating, we're not ever seeing each other, but it's still bugging me right now. The whole thing was just totally messed up. He asked me to call him back in 20 minutes, because he had some stuff on his mind and I cuaght him at a bad time. It's was very odd. I got the same feeling that I did last summer when I called him and he asked me to call back in about and hour after he'd had a shower. That was the night I found out he was sleeping with her again. I can't be niave enough to let myself go through this again, I can't handle going through anything anymore.
and i feel like screaming
I'm beginning to think that his "roommate" is more than just a friend, despite the fact that he claims she's not. I don't know why I'm letting this bug me. We're nothing.
and i feel like dying
I got an email from my uncle, and I know that I'm asking a lot of everyone right now. But I'm starting to feel like I should just leave and not go anywhere. I feel like I'm asking for too much, but I never asked for a single thing. It was their idea. It pissed me off because he's starting to believe all the things my father has been saying. It's like going to church, if you sit and listen long enough, you'll become born again. It makes me sick to read and think.
and i feel like i should do all three

Date:	2001-05-03 11:13
Subject:	Perfect Blue Buildings
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	Perfect Blue Buildings - Counting Crows

Just down the street from your hotel baby
I stay at home with my disease
And ain't this position familiar, darling
Well, all monkeys do what they see
Help me stay awake, I'm falling...

Down on Virginia and La Loma
Where I got friends who'll care for me
You got and attitude of everything I ever wanted
I got an attitude of need
Help me stay awake, I'm falling...

Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get me a little oblivion
Try to keep myself away from me.

It's 4:30am on Tuesday
It doesn't get much worse than this
In beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle
of these lives which are completely meaningless
Help me stay awake, I'm falling...

Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get me a little oblivion
Try to keep myself away from myslef and me.

I got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
There's a skeleton in every man's house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everbody
There's a dead man trying to get out
Please help me stay awake, I'm falling...

Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
Gonna get myself a little oblivion baby
Try to get myself away from me.

I am so in love with this song right now. I am so in love with Adam Duritz. Why couldn't I have met someone like him before I fell in love?

Date:	2001-04-30 10:38
Subject:	cuz everybodies doing it....
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty
Music:	sullen girl - fiona apple

Let's all be dorks together.....
Mine are:
Classical - Pia Ano
Alternative - Crissy Strat
Electronic - Envelope Eve
Metal - Legz O'Patten (this sounds more like an Ierish hooker's name than a metal name...)
Pop Rock - Dee Dee One Lick (and this one sounds like a Las Vegas' hooker's name...my they seem to think highly of me)
Hip Hop - Chilly Chill
Blues - Ella "Too Fine" Silk
World Music - Sister Clean (I guess they didn't get a chace to meet the family of dust bunnies under my bed then...)
Country - Suzy Spur - YeHAA!!!!! Baby!!!!
Jazz - Wanda B. Kool (hhhm we appear to be siamese jazz twins april!)

Date:	2001-04-29 11:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	irritated
Music:	motorcycles going back and forth in front of my house

ok, i love motrocycles as much as the next girl, but if those fucking morons don't stop riding past my house i'm gonna freak! do they not have anything better to do than ride back and forth through this little village? seriously!?!!?! It's the same two motorcycles, back and foth, back and forth. And the fact niether of them belongs to a certain someon has nothing to do with it!

Speaking of....last night was a bad night, as there are bound to be. I was sitting up here, at my computer around 11 or so, just getting ready to log off for the night (yes, I am a computer geek...so? got a problem with that?), and this stupid song came on and I started thinking. Not a good thing, because the nest I know I'm sitting here looking out the window crying over him again. And wondering what he's doing at that exact moment, and wondering if he ever thinks about me anymore. Like I said it was a bad night. God, do they ever stop? I mean, two years from now am I going to wake up one night out of the blue and start to cry over him again? This.....Is....Not.....Fair!!!!

Date:	2001-04-28 19:51
Subject:	Happy New Year!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	giggly
Music:	Baby One More Time - Left Out Skippy cover version

Happy new years everyone! Cuz you know this should really be the new year. Everyone makes New Year's resolutions, and never keeps them, and it's just becuase of the time of year. Like one year, I resolved to run a kilometer everyday (I'm so not a distance runner), but do you think I did it? No, of course not. I live in Canada, it's freaking cold here in January, and you're lucky if you can even get your front door open becuase of all the snow.

So now that it's a few days before May, I've decided to make my new year's resolution. I'm gonna be friggin' heathy. I went to the store today....one minute, gotta run down stairs and grab a Chupa-Chup...

Ok, like I was saying, I'm gonna be healthy this year! I went and bought my box of Special K Plus, and my box os strawberries, and my bag of oranges. I got my running shoes out, and dusted off my bike. And tomorrow I'm gonna get out there and bike and run and eat oranges and strawberries and special K. Dammit, tomorrow I'm gonna be healthy!!!!

But tonight, I'm going to sit and watch Black and White and eat my freaking Chupa Chups and drink my Jones Soda!